Lessons
A past journal entry reflecting on the battle of fear vs. vulnerability when falling in love. All photos are from our sweet honeymoon in twenty-nineteen on the North Shore of Kaua’i.
“Hold back,” my Mind whispered to me what Fear had whispered to it.
The streets then reaffirmed, “He might not be as into this, so maybe you should pretend like you aren’t as well?”
Another piece of me I’ll keep hidden
Because you didn’t say exactly what I wanted to hear, or as quickly as I wanted to hear it.
Wisdom shakes its head, “I didn’t tell you that.”
And they shout, “He might not be into this, don’t be the fool in this game!”
And Wisdom declares, “This game only breeds recklessness.”
Maybe he’s not into it.
But I am.
So I’ll keep asking him about his days,
And what he’s learning,
And talk to him like I’m meeting him for the first time,
And let myself get nervous when I see him.
If he’s not into that
Then my heart will deflate and I’ll feel like the fool.
But if he is into it,
What will these steps of vulnerable courage do?
Where will they lead us?
These expressions of affection that are open to reciprocation or not.
They might take us through glaciers and snow valleys,
into the depths of the Arctic,
and the rogue of the Atlantic,
through the tropics of the Pacific.
Where we’ll be worn by weather with burns and wrinkles and
bound in intimacy.
Or…
I’ll just hold myself back
And play the game.
And respond to him based on my perception of how I think he thinks of me.
Never taking time to understand how he differs from my standards.
Maybe I’ll play it safe sitting on the porch of the shore,
Always longing to be in the waves but holding back as Fear gently strokes my hand…